Mindful Parenting: Beware of the 'Boy Code'
Boys are often unintentionally put into a straight-jacket of emotional constraint until it seems that they don't have feelings at all. Mindful parenting can help you cultivate compassion and overcome cultural ideals that discourage boys from showing vulnerability. Instead of hardening a boy or young man by becoming emotionally more distant, you may choose to allow him to be vulnerable and dependent on the love and compassion of others just as you would with girls.
Research has pointed out that mothers in the United States generally tend to use a greater variety in emotion language and show more vivid facial expressions when communicating with daughters. Both mothers and fathers commonly brush over the tender feelings of boys. This may happen to the extent that little boys expect their parents to respond far less warmly when they show sadness or fear.
Cultural stereotypes of the unwritten “boy code” keep boys from showing negative or vulnerable emotions, and parents may reproduce them unintentionally. The result is emotional constraint apart from one strong feeling allowed: anger. When boys feel ashamed to show more tender feelings they commonly turn to anger. This is the case when the full range of emotional experience is constrained. Yes, gender stereotypes are indeed changing. However, they are changing slowly and may present themselves in a new guise. Today, psychologist William Pollack's perspective is as relevant as almost 20 years ago when he wrote the book “The Boy Code”:
“...when we look closely at the behavior of young boys, and when we listen closely to their stories, we realize that what in men or older boys is interpreted as a macho sense of rigor and cockiness, in reality often has much more to do with hardening. This hardening takes place and the mask goes up, not because boys or men feel particularly strong or self-assured, but rather because they don't – they feel anxious to protect themselves from wounds to their already fragile male psyches. Once they have been shamed enough for failing to be fully masculine, once they've been told enough times that they should suppress their vulnerable feelings, once they've been actually physically injured for failing to meet the mark, boys allow the wounds to scar over, cover any remaining soft tissue, and act as if everything is going all right.”
A central tenet of mindful parenting is empathy and compassion. When you think back to your childhood, what did you most want from your parents? Children desire to be seen and accepted in the family for who they are, a desire to be treated with kindness, understanding, and compassion. This is true for boys and girls. However, when it comes to pressing children into a gender straight-jacket of dominant stereotypes of masculinity, particularly boys and young men may lose out on warmth and tenderness given to them.
To be empathetic may be very challenging when the boy is yelling, screaming, or even starts to act out aggressively. This is why the ability to act compassionately takes intentional cultivation. It usually starts with becoming aware of what is happening at the moment. An awareness of your feelings is key. Only when you can pay attention to what is going on with you in a spirit of kindness, you are empowered to choose your response. You may find that you need to take a deep breath or get some additional support from another family member. In any case, it is about responding rather than knee-jerk reactions.
To be empathetic and compassionate when kids are acting out is not easy. It is much less clear cut than traditional approaches such as distancing yourself and disciplining the child. As Jon Kabat-Zinn in his book “Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting” points out there is no set formula. The challenge is to view difficult behaviors in a more non-judging and open manner that allows you as a caretaker to keep a heartfelt connection to your boy – a connection the “boy code” wants to cut. This does not mean being passive. Children are not fully able to self-regulate their emotions. They often need an adult caregiver to role-model sympathetic behavior and to give them some boundaries to hit up against and slow down. This is why mindful parenting is so much about being aware of what is going on with you in relation to the child, including your ideals and values around gender and masculinity.